Why New Year is the worst time to judge your relationship | Andrew ...

??New Year is the busiest time of the year for two polar opposite organisations. Lawyers have their annual rush of clients who put their divorce proceedings on hold before Christmas ? hoping for the best ? but decide to press ahead after all. Meanwhile Relate, the UK?s largest counselling charity, reports peak demand for their services from couples seeking to save their relationships. So if you had a miserable Christmas with your nearest, but no longer dearest, which route should you take? Should you stay or should you go?

My advice is to do nothing. In the same way that animal charities campaign against buying a pet at Christmas, I believe that marital therapists should campaign against judging your relationship at Christmas. The connection might seem far fetched but both puppies and unhappy couples need similar things: a settled routine, not to get over excited and plenty of patience. All of these things are at short supply over the holiday season.

Jackie and Carl, in their mid thirties, had staked their future on a good Christmas. ?We kept snapping at each other but then we?d been incredibly busy,? explained Jackie, ?so I thought some extended time to unwind together would be the answer. Except, Carl was either asleep or building railway layouts with our son. I felt completely ignored.? Carl was equally disappointed: ?All she did was criticise me. Is it any wonder, I kept out of her way?? Rather than un-picking what happened over Christmas, I was more interested in their normal routine. Jackie and Carl were surprised but a relationship needs good communication on a daily basis ? rather than expecting a Christmas miracle. I discovered that their evenings together often got off to bad start. Jackie would be bathing the kids when Carl returned home, so he would switch on the TV and engrossed in something when she came downstairs. Carl would feel taken for granted and Jackie felt ignored. After some negotiation, Carl agreed to come home earlier and Jackie to rearrange bath-time. This allowed them to spend five minutes chatting over their days when Carl returned home and to establish a good settled communication routine.

The forced jollity ? and the desire to bury the hatchet ? is another reason why Christmas is not a reliable indication of whether a relationship is working or not. The ?season of goodwill? had actually increased the tension between Jackie and Carl, as neither had felt able to express their true feelings. Not surprising, they had a nasty and very personal fight on Boxing Day. My next task in counselling was to help them argue properly, rather than trade insults. ?The more agitated Jackie gets, the faster my heart beats and the more anxious I become,? explained Carl, ?I sort of shut down and either go silent or leave the room.? ?This makes me angrier and angrier until I explode,? added Jackie. Without the added pressure of Christmas, Carl started to experiment and recognise when he felt in danger of being flooded with anxiety. This allowed him to either tell Jackie ? and ask for five minutes time-out ? or to say his piece and relieve the pressure before it became unbearable.

Another common trap, that Christmas lures unhappy couples into, is the secret test. Isabelle?s marriage had been so miserable that she doubted that her husband still loved her: ?I thought Christmas would be a chance for him to show he still cared. I went to a lot of trouble on his presents and even dropped a few clues about what I wanted ? in case it inspired him. But on Christmas morning, I got the usual perfume and scarf. I was devastated. Had he actually thought of me once?? Unfortunately, Isabelle said nothing to her husband, Toby. When he went on to forget to lay the table, plus countless other minor failings, Isabelle considered this further evidence of her his lack of caring. Instead of asking Toby for help or even telling him she was disappointed, Isabelle still kept her thoughts to herself and built up a head of righteous indignation. On New Year?s Eve, the dam burst and Isabelle asked for a divorce. Toby was nonplussed, but he had neither been aware of the test nor that his wife had been gathering evidence to prove their marriage was terminal.

So if New Year is not a good time to judge the health or otherwise of your relationship, what is the alternative? One client vowed: ?if things are not better by this time next year then we?ll split.? Unfortunately, his partner felt she had the sword of Damocles hanging over her. A more constructive approach is to commit to trying to improve your regular day-to-day relationship and build in small and repeatable changes ? like eating an evening meal together. (There are more good habits in the box that can help kick start the healing process.) Three months should provide enough time before reviewing your options again. Remember, there is no ticking clock, even if the drama of New Year suggests otherwise. If, however, the pain seems unbearable, contact an organisation like Relate or Relationship Counselling for London who will help you and your partner communicate better. Even if ultimately you decide to separate, it is better to make the decision based on your normal relationship rather than the one that has been artificially stuffed and slaughtered by Christmas.

?

?

?

?

Source: http://www.andrewgmarshall.com/2012/12/29/why-new-year-is-the-worst-time-to-judge-your-relationship/

university of texas UT Austin Lizzie Velasquez NFL Network att libya engadget